• Nicky

The Fog Lifts

Updated: Sep 3

Hi Fibre Friends! I know it's been a long time. It's certainly felt long to me.

As I'm sure I've mentioned, I had my first child in August. I (naively, in retrospect) planned to use my year-plus-long maternity leave for lots and lots of knitting and designing, and set to work laying the foundation during my pregnancy.

And then my daughter burst into this world, and changed my life in more ways than I ever expected. One cliche that is most definitely true, I love her more than I ever thought possible. I'm obsessed with her. Really. Her chubby rolls. Her impossibly cute baby feet. Her wild hair that sticks up every which way. Her laugh that melts me and makes everything okay.

Which is why I was so caught off guard by postpartum mental illness. The scary thoughts that plagued me every time I carried her on or near a staircase, or let the baby monitor out of my sight. The cognitive impairment and insomnia despite extreme sleep deprivation. I credit Bell Let's Talk Day and PostPartum Progress for guiding me to finally reach the conclusion after six months that I was more than "just tired."

Serendipitously, my daughter started sleeping through the night around the same time I sought help. Between the two, I'm doing so much better. I still have memory and concentration problems - I can't read a book, let along write a knitting pattern; and last night I went to take a melatonin and took a birth control pill instead. It's frustrating to feel like my brain just doesn't work, but I'm trying not to let it discourage me. I have to remind myself that this is just how things are right now, not who I am. I've been working on quicker creative projects like macrame bracelets and a super jumbo knit throw, and even started playing my ukulele again, though I've had to relearn most of the chords.

I hope I'll be able to design again soon. I do have some exciting announcements coming, and expect that things are on an uptrend from here on out.

Pudgy baby fingers and toes, tangled in aqua cotton yarn


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Toronto, ON, Canada

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